An introduction to BDSM

Well, my next adventure of curiosity is not where I intended to go, but I’m so glad I did!

It came about from a book promotion I was sent – a book that had received some great ‘couldn’t put this book down’ reviews. There were also a couple of reviews from readers who obviously knew more about the subject than I did, who said there was too much explanation, that it read more like a ‘why and how’ manual. Perfect, I thought, I’ve never even had the faintest BDSM experience (and hadn’t ever thought I was missing anything until I read ‘With This Collar’ by Sierra Cartwright).

I admit to being curious, as I am with any form of pleasure, sexual or otherwise, so I didn’t hesitate to pick up the book when I came across it. My curiosity was well rewarded.

Firstly. I have to admit, I haven’t read 50 shades so although I’ve heard it’s repetitive and doesn’t appeal to people in the scene, I can’t compare it to my experience with ‘With This Collar’. To me, it sounds authentic, although with any romance, both main characters seem too good to be true and too well suited to be randomly thrown together.

Some of the reviews said the opening wedding scene was not believable – well, I loved it and wanted to believe it because I would have loved to have been Julia. Dropped into the deep end of her old friend’s BDSM lifestyle, taken in hand and shown the ropes by the gorgeous Dom, Marcus.

Yes, there’s lots of talk and explanation, but to the curious and uninitiated like me, it was just perfect. With a great mix of sexual tension and satisfaction to keep you turning the pages. Problem is now I’m squirming to explore. But where do I find a gorgeous Dom like Marcus??

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When is naughty still nice?

I hope you all received a warm welcome from the new year and 2016 has treated you well so far.

My job as a graphic designer becomes very demanding at the close of each year and I admit to suffering a touch of burnout. I’ve spent the time since Christmas quietly re-energising: lots of sleeping; reconnecting with nature & myself; cooking & eating. I’ve read some beautiful fiction (The Lake House by Kate Morton and Black Rabbit Hall by Eve Chase), found the inspiration to do some writing of my own and spent many hours exploring gorgeous images on Pinterest.

There are some very talented artists and photographers sharing their images and I became addicted to collecting my favourites and following the trails from one alluring image to another. I found some of them titillating, a reflection of my latest foray into mild BDSM in fiction (prompted by Sierra Cartwright’s ‘With this Collar’ which also lead me to try my hand at writing a Dominatrix character in a novelette called ‘Mistress’ to be released on Amazon in the coming weeks).

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Some images I found a little too naughty for my comfort. I guess the line between naughty-but-nice and shocking is dependant on the viewer, their sex, cultural background and his or her personal experiences. And maybe we become jaded or blasé over time.

I’d love to hear if you think my collection is on the nice side of naughty. I do…

Images sourced on Pinterest.

Beautiful sex, beautiful life

I’ve been bursting to write to share my recent tantra experience, but I wanted to let my life settle back fully into it’s regular routine so I could judge how much of an impact it has actually made on me.

After four weeks I can tell you that learning a little about tantra has truly influenced my life for the better. I realise the weekend workshop I attended recently only glanced the surface of what tantra is and how it can become an intrinsic part of your life. I had just a small taste, but what a sweet taste it was.

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With my limited experience, this is my understanding of tantra…

The underlying belief centres on the conservation of sexual energy in order to prolong youthful vitality. This is achieved by retaining the essence that is usually lost during ejaculation for men and menstruation for women. I think you would need a deep understanding and commitment to the practice of tantra to follow the path of virtually ceasing ejaculation/menstruation, but there is so much to be learnt from tantra without following that particular path.

To me tantra represents a shared and mutual awareness and respect of your own and your partners pleasure and needs – in relation to sex and in life.

The most significant insight for me was to realise that the difference between average sex and good sex is mindfulness. Often in long term relationships making love is rushed or has become an afterthought – a means for sexual satisfaction and release. It can become a shallow experience. By giving sex priority at the time you and your partner are truly together and at your most vulnerable (turn the TV off/don’t think about what you need to do when you’re finished or how busy your schedule is tomorrow) and focusing on what gives pleasure in that moment without thinking of the end game, orgasm, sex can become a communion between two people, a kind of meditation. Making love is not another task to be achieved in your day, it is a sensual experience, a joy to be savoured.

This awareness and generosity also spills over into other aspects of a couple’s relationship and into your relationship with yourself.

And couldn’t the same principle of being present and mindful during love-making be applied to life? Experiences had while on auto-pilot are not rich in sensual detail. Without the memories of smell, sound and touch (ie. atmospheric conditions of wind and temperature) an experience becomes forgettable, disposable. They do not enrich your life and make it memorable.

The taste I have had of tantra has awakened for me a deeper sensuality and respect for life. But what I really took away was how important it is to be present and live in the moment – whether you are making love, eating a meal or taking a walk on the beach.

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This mindfulness is the focus of Margot Anand’s The Art of Everyday Ecstacy. the idea of living a full, rich and pleasurable life. I would recommend anyone who yearns for inner tranquillity and purpose read it.

Her writing opened up for me a whole new attitude towards the true pleasure. Continue reading

Tantra / Tantric sex – what is it?

Are you familiar with the practice of Tantra? Does the term make you think of spiritual ‘woo woo’? Do you association it with yoga or religion or do you think it’s some kind of sleazy sex practice?

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The first I heard of Tantra was a mention of it in the movie “Go” (starring Katie Holmes – pre-Tom Cruise). Imagining discovering tantra with the gorgeous Marcus, the character who described hours spent love making with his girlfriend, left me with pleasant associations of the term.

When I met a guy recently who admitted to being a tantra devotee I was more than a little intrigued. I started looking into a bit, and when the opportunity presented itself to participate in a weekend “Art of Love” workshop in my capital city, I couldn’t resist signing up.

So what is Tantra? Hopefully I’ll be able to tell you more in a few weeks, but in preparation I’ve spent some time searching the internet and thanks to Wikipedia and Google, I think I have a basic understanding…

Originating over 3000 years ago in India, Tantra is said to be born of the blissful practices of the god Shiva and his wife Shakti… the ‘yoga of love’ (a beautiful story if you’re interested in mythology). Tantra had a strong influence on both Hinduism and Buddhism.

According to André Padoux, “Tantrism” is a western term and notion. As the interest in Tantra has grown in the West, it’s perception deviates remarkably from the Tantric traditions. It is seen as a “cult of ecstasy”, combining sexuality and spirituality to correct Western repressive attitudes towards sex. Hence for many modern readers Tantra is now synonymous with “spiritual sex” or “sacred sexuality,” a belief that sex should be recognized as a sacred act capable of elevating its participants to a higher spiritual plane.

The practice is used to develop a deeper and spiritual connection with your partner; to build and prolong sexual pleasure with no emphasis on orgasm to enhance your physical pleasure and personal connection. It’s-about-the-journey-not-the-destination kind of sex. Sounds fun!

Margot Anand encapsulates it beautifully: “The Tantric path teaches us to embrace and unify the ordinary, the erotic, and the sacred dimensions of life…”

I’ll keep you posted 😉

Free taste….

To celebrate the release of Peep Shows 2: l’amour à trois, I’m sharing a little taste of Ella’s sensual adventures…

I woke in a wash of moonlight, confused for a moment about how I’d ended up in an unfamiliar room with a warm body beside me. It took me a few moments to work out I was lying on my side with my arm draped over Sophie. In the silvery light I could see she had her eyes closed and a small smile on her face.

I lifted my hand slowly to stroke her beautiful red hair, turned to silver in the faded light of the moon. I watched my fingers tentatively trace the silky strands in an almost involuntary motion and started a little when Sophie turned her head to rub her forehead against my cheek.

Warmth blossomed in my chest. I wanted to wrap my arms around her, pull her close and bury my face against her neck.

I wanted to feel her body pressed against me. Continue reading

Are you a Sensualist?

I am eternally grateful to Anaïs Nin for immortalising the essence of sensualism in her writing. “…at certain moments I remember one of his words and I suddenly feel the sensual woman flaring up, as if violently caressed. I say the word to myself, with joy. It is such a moment that my true body lives.”

Our imagination can be the most powerful aphrodisiac at our disposal. We should allow it it’s full power and feed it whenever the opportunity presents itself. While searching for beauty on the internet recently, I found the perfect definition of the way in which some of us are separated from the rest of society by our appreciation of – and reliance on – the sensual. If you are reading this, you will probably recognise yourself in the (slightly edited) description below, courtesy of Annelies A.A. Vanbelle.

The Sensualist Manifesto

  1. For a true Sensualist the five senses are the highest gift. Experiencing sensual pleasure through savouring, sniffing, observing, listening and touching is their lifelong leitmotiv. Sensualists enjoy poking their noses in their lover’s armpits, revel in the soft slide of skin-against-skin. Sensualists never express the word ‘sex(uality)’. Sensuality however is their mantra, eroticism their adage, tickling their addiction.
  1. For a Sensualist lust equals zest for life. No libido means no energy, no creativity, no inventivity. Lust is the catalyst of their lives. They consider love-making as a language, just as fit as any other language to penetrate the darkest regions of somebody else’s mind and soul. Their heated view on things is not restricted to the bedroom. Their entire life is covered with a veil of sensual sensation. Sensualists immediately recognise each other through the poignant, passionate look in the eyes.
  1. Sensualists practise slow sex, analogous to slow food, which is also focused on reawakening the senses, slowly and devotedly, by serving quality and originality. Sensualists prefer desire above fulfilment, the endless scrutinizing of each others’ bodies above a quick and simple fuck. The Walhalla for a sensualist is reaching an orgasm without even touching the other. A penetrating look can do so much more than a real penetration. Sensualists invest an abundance of time in letting the longing grow fiercer and fiercer. They drift on the energy that derives from suggestion and abstention.
  1. Sensualists dote on slow sex but this doesn’t say anything about the pace of their lovemaking. They are fond of the contrast between fast and terribly slow, between ruthless and soothing, animal and cerebral, intense and superficial, distant and intolerably intimate, between being restrained and eager, biting and kissing, sizzling and freezing. It is this entire spectrum of feelings and sensations that oscillatory cranks up their lust.
  1. Language is the aphrodisiac par excellence for a Sensualist. Sensualists are word junkies that send each other elongated eropoetic writings. They read arousing literature to each other and poetry compilations are used to facilitate the traffic between the sheets instead of the habitual lubricant. Sensualists can be touched deeply by one well thought-out sentence and enjoy months of pleasurable old-fashioned correspondence. Tickle their brain (their most erogenous zone) and their bodies react instantly. Though sensualists are cerebral creatures, their sensual summit is situated in animal regions. The utter fulfilment lies in letting the beast go, letting it sweep away the monocracy of the mind. The ultimate objective of a Sensualist is to reach a complete symbiosis with a partner, becoming one body instead of two, no longer knowing where the self ends and the other begins.
  1. Sensualists view lovemaking as a form of art, a skill that can be learned and honed through practise, careful observation and discussion. Every new love is a new step in the continuous perfecting of a Sensualists bedroom arts and techniques. They travel around their lover’s body, map it meticulously, know every inch of it. Sensualists are light-fingered; excel in keeping tongue, timing and rhythm.
  1. Sensualists regard the body as one huge erogenous zone. Hands, feet, armpits and earlobes, glans penis and clitoris, nipples and breasts: they are all one and the same. Fingers intertwine and almost reach an orgasm, toes are licked as though life depends on it. A Sensualist uses the body as the primal instrument for sensual pleasure; accessories add a nice touch but are not necessary. Much more important than masks, rose petals, candles and electric devices is imagination. Sensualists prefer the suggestive power of fantasy above the brutal in-your-face of pornography.

http://sensotheque.blogspot.com.au/2009/04/sensualist-manifesto.html

Erotic short stories

“There are two ways to reach me: by way of kisses or by way of imagination. But there is a hierarchy: the kisses alone don’t work.” Anaïs Nin

I’m a huge fan of Anaïs Nin’s Little Birds and Delta of Venus, some of the earliest female erotica written.

Anaïs was a fascinating woman who led a extraordinary life. She wrote erotica with her lover, American writer Henry Miller (Tropic of Cancer) and a collection of other writers and poets in Paris in the 1940’s. She later kept two husbands on opposite sides of America, keeping them and the two parts of her life completely separate – her “bicoastal trapeze”.

Her stories have inspired me to attempt writing some erotic short stories of my own. I have just released the first collection ‘Peep Shows 1’ on Amazon.

Peep Shows cover final

(click on the cover to Buy Now)

What turns you on?

A deliciously cheeky male friend of mine recently asked me this question. “What turns you on”? As I tried to formulate a succinct answer, I realised there are many layers and complexity to the phenomena of desire: different situations, different moods. So I asked for some time to think about it. Here is the response I gave him.

In passing. You’re on the way to a meeting, or heading home from work and someone in the passing crowd attracts your interest. What is it that makes you want to turn from your path and follow a stranger? For me, it’s the scent. Very difficult to define, but you can just tell when the scent matches the man wearing it… maybe it’s skin chemistry… maybe the cologne enhances the particular smell of the man you would normally be attracted to (studies have found where one woman may find a particular man attractive according to the way he smells, another woman will not. And that can change depending on where you are in your menstrual cycle). Other men may smell good, but not in a way that turns your head. When it’s right, you just can’t help turning around to try to find the source. For me, it normally leads to a well-groomed man in an exquisitely cut business suit.

In a contained crowd. For me, it has to be eye contact. Not the creepy kind that makes you want to turn away and move as far away as possible, but the kind that says “I know you”. Even though you’ve never met before, you sense a connection and see by the look in his eye that he does too.

In conversation. This would have to be the most universal answer. To find that you have interests, hobbies, opinions in common. But it is also very stimulating to talk to a man who has a slightly different view on a subject you share an interest in: when he challenges your thinking and stretches your beliefs.

On a date. A man who effortlessly treats you like a lady. I like a man who acts like he’s in control (as long as there is no unconsenting physical force). He doesn’t lunge for the door to open it just as you place your hand to do it for yourself. He doesn’t awkwardly pull the chair out for you as you sit down. He does it all as if it’s second nature: he’s not even thinking about it.

In the bedroom. Slow and lots skin contact… a man who is able to touch you anywhere and give you shivers of desire. Hand, calf, neck… The biggest turn off would be when he goes for the obvious sexual zones straight off. Unless that’s where you NEED to be touched, then it’s definitely a turn on to be with a man who is open to requests/instruction. But it can be nice to be teased – for a little while.

So… what turns you on?

Bonjour mes amis

Welcome to my dedication to all things sensual. I am a lover of beauty in all its forms and seek to capture the essence of what I admire in my writing and art: drawing, painting, photography.

This blog was inspired by a recent trip to Paris where my every sense was delighted, from the aroma of freshly baked delicacies to the unique architecture. I am now an admirer of the innate sensuality of the French and their passion for all forms of beauty: art, fashion, the human form, literature, conversation, food, wine, nature.

I hope to use this space to share my discoveries… be they images, words or both.

Josie

One Hot Day at the Palais Royale
One Hot Day in the courtyard of the Palais Royale